“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
We’ve all heard it, we’ve all said it, and we’ve all thought about the exact words a certain picture might say if it could speak.
But 1,000 words doesn’t even scratch the surface, really…
This is my sweet Daddy, my beautiful Momma, and a teeny tiny me in 1982.
Looking at this picture brings up so many emotions for me right now, but mostly it just fills my heart with love. I was the only child my Momma gave birth to, and I was the light in her eyes, let me tell you. She adored me. She doted on me. She dressed me in the cutest clothes, even when she couldn’t afford to, she went without on many occasions, so that I could have a great life… and she made sure I knew she loved me.
It’s only been 3 weeks and it’s still so hard to say it out loud, but my sweet Momma went to Heaven on March 18, 2016 .. and my world came crumbling down all around me.
A lot of you know she’d been sick since August (A Moment.) and we thought she was getting better and better each day.. she was talking, laughing, grateful, excited, and never complained about the limitations she was struggling with everyday. She’d found joy in the midst of a really difficult situation, and she gave us all hope. And love. And happiness.
But God had different plans for her, and we’re left here with so many questions.
How could God take her from us now? How could God break my Daddy’s heart like this?How could God let me share this overwhelming joy of finally being pregnant, only to take her away just 3 weeks before I give birth? How is it okay that my girls will never know her? How is that even right? Or fair? Or explainable? And why? Just WHY, God?
So many questions. So much heart-break. So many things left just hanging in mid-air..
Like, she never taught me how to make chicken-n-dumplins, or Grannie’s Thanksgiving dressing. She’s not there to pick up the phone so I can ask what to pack in my hospital bag, or to calm me down when I have fits of panic about it. She never showed me how to comfort my crying baby. She won’t be here to hear my girls call her KK. And they’ll never hear her say those 3 words “I love you,” that she said to me every day of my life.
With all of these questions, and all of this heartbreak, another thing also remains constant – God has let me know since that first horrible day that she’s okay. She’s with Him. She’s here with us in a different way, and she’ll watch over me and my girls forever.
On the day that she passed, the flip calendar she’s had for 20+ years read this, …
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” Philippians 4:4
.. and that’s been God’s message to me every day since. He’s been telling me with signs, verses, people, her devotional, circumstances and situations, to rejoice my Momma’s life. To remember the laughter, the good times, the things she did teach me, and how much she loved all of us. And no, there hasn’t been a day yet that I haven’t sobbed in anguish, or missed her like crazy, or even gotten mad that she’s not here- but I know, in my heart, that she’s right where she should be.
Because of what the Lord has shown me, and because of 2 Timothy 1:9-10, I know WHERE my Momma is and WHO she is with… “He has saved us and called us to a holy life- not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing or our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.”
My Momma knew one thing for sure, she loved Jesus, and she knew He loved her. She’d found a new kind of hope and faith through her illness, and God had brought certain, specific people into her life to show her even more of those blessed assurances. God knew exactly what He was doing in these last 9 months, and that makes me the most grateful.
Now, back to this picture.. the one that I’m so in love with, the one that tells so many stories, even though the story has changed drastically since March 18th.
Before my Momma passed, I would say this picture told the story of pure sweetness, new motherhood, being in love, and just plain LOVE. My Momma and Daddy were soul mates from the get go, where you saw one- you saw the other. Their love was the kind you read about in fairy tales, a 40 year love story. And still going…
But now I see a different story. I see my beautiful Momma looking down on me, smiling at me, protecting me, guiding me, making sure that I’m okay, and making her love known to me by simply being there. I see my Daddy and his love and affection towards her, something that will never die, I see how proud his eyes are to know that she’s the mother of his little girl, and I see how he’s holding her close by his side, making sure she knows that he’ll never leave. And then I see me and my Daddy with the exact same expression. Looking into the camera, looking into the future.. wide-eyed and a little surprised, not knowing exactly what’s coming next, but hopeful just the same.
We’re taking one moment at a time, holding close to what matters the most, and knowing that our beloved wife, and mother, is right here with us as we walk this new path of life.
To know that we’ll welcome our precious girls into this world in just days, but my Momma won’t be there with us, is an indescribable feeling for me. She’s prayed for these babies probably more than we have in the last 8 years, and she was SO excited to meet them, love on them, and spoil them rotten! I still can’t believe I will have to step into this motherhood role I’ve wanted so badly for so long, without my own mother there to help. I honestly cannot put into words what this feels like, but I know she’ll be there when I give birth. And I know I’ll see her in my beautiful girls’ eyes. God will continue to show me that she’s here, and I’ll keep the promise I made to her on that sad morning,… that I’ll tell our girls all about her, that she’ll forever be their KK, that they’ll know how much she loves them, and that they’ll know who their Guardian Angel is… the most beautiful of them all.
As we approach the days & weeks ahead, I’m asking y’all to keep all of us in your continued prayers. Me, my Daddy, and our close family and friends still feel the pain of my Momma being gone. It still hurts like crazy, and I’m sure it will for a long while- but our sweet babies, Vayda Jean and Viviyn Sue, will fill the holes in our hearts with so much love and joy.. and we’re counting down the days!
I’d like to thank you all for your care and concern, love and prayers- we feel it! <3
All my love,